Facing My Fears

     Today was a difficult morning.  It was hard for me to wake up because my back was hurting and I hadn't slept well.  The weather changed a lot and became cold.  It makes my body more stiff and achey than other days.  I prayed, "God I know you don't want me to have pain.  Take my pain away."
After I prayed, God had me think about my mom's testimony and it made me amazed how God used her to be so nice to people and I see how my brothers and sisters change.  

    I don't know how to put it but I was so angry with my birth mom.  A little over a year ago I said to my mom, "I want to go back to Ukraine!"  After awhile I thought, "why did I say this?"  I realized how silly that was and that it wasn't right.  I wanted to take it back.

    I said it to my mom because I thought she would stop loving me like my birth mom.  When I came home I listened really close all the time to see if my mom was saying mean things about me.  I asked the kids if they heard too.   When my mom was so kind, it just hurt because I didn't believe her.  I could not take one more person lying to me.  In the institution the people talked about me.  They said I was dumb and that it was my fault that my birth mom drank and my birth dad killed himself. 
I believed that I was not good so I believed them.

    When I first came, I was so scared.  I tried to choke myself at night.  My mom didn't know.  One time I threw up in my bed and I was afraid my mom would see and tell me to clean it up.  But when my mom came in, she gave me a bath and cleaned me.  I used to have to lay in vomit all day. Having bad things happen makes you expect bad things to happen.

    Over many months I saw that nothing bad happened.  When my parents kept talking about God I started to think, I want that too.  I began praying and asking God to change my thoughts.  I see God answer my prayers.  Even after my head knew the truth my feelings still felt scared inside.  It took me a year to not feel that scary feeling.    I also thought my mom was friends with the bad people in Ukraine because she was so nice to them.  I thought that if I told my mom what happened to me that she was going to tell them and then listen to them and hurt me.

There are so many thoughts that go on inside. I had to tell Satan that he had to go away.  When he would tell me I wasn't good, I would tell him it wasn't true.  I am made for something beautiful!

"Get behind me, Satan!  You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men."  - Jesus   Matthew 16:23

Love is in the Light,

Lucia


From Tina :   This blog came out of the book we've been working on, which came out of our one on one sessions together we have.  In the beginning we just shared, I prayed with her and whatever God might have us to do.  Then as she became more comfortable she began talking about wanting to write her story down.  This was when we really began to work through some hard things and replace lies with the truth. 

   Over time,  we saw her light shine brighter and now it's really amazing to see her share these things that once held her down.  We prayed today before she shared that for all of the very dark and painful offenses taking place behind closed doors to the helpless, that God would multiple the blessings one hundred fold for each offense to every child including those who are now in adoptive and foster families.  We pray that every family knows their battle is in spirit and not flesh and that they fight FOR each other, not fight each other.